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Photo by Richard Brandon- Striving for excellence in the new year can be a positive, but it’s important to notice when striving tips over into perfectionism.

The Weight of Perfectionism

“My goal for 2025 is to open my own art studio! I’ve been selling my creations on Etsy and at festivals, but I think it’s finally time for a brick and mortar shop.” Teddy, who came in for business coaching, bounced in his seat with excitement. 

“That sounds incredible!” I reflected back. “Do you have a business plan?” 

“Which one?” Teddy asked. 

“You have more than one?” I responded, confused. 

“Oh yeah. I have about 5 business plans. I need to make sure everything is just right.  I’ve gone to workshops, seminars, conferences, websites…” Teddy trailed off. 

“How long have you been planning on opening your art studio?” I wondered. 

“Oh, I’ve always wanted to, but it’s not ’til the last 10 years that I’m really focusing on it,” Teddy explained. 

“I’m so frustrated with my daughter,” Sofia explained. “She’s smart, funny, beautiful, and athletic. She could have everything! But she keeps screwing up.” 

“What mistakes is she making?” I asked. 

“She could have straight A’s, but this last semester she had 2 B+’s. She could be adding some extra strength-training workouts on the weekend so she’d perform better in her sport, but instead she’s spending time with friends. And speaking of friends…her friends aren’t exactly the high-achieving kids I’d like her to hang out with!” Sofia’s face fell as she listed out her daughter’s faults.

“My husband wants to invite our extended family to Colorado for a family reunion this summer, and I get so anxious thinking about it I can’t even have a conversation!” Jo shouted, soon after stepping into the counseling room. 

“What are you so anxious about?” I asked, not wanting to make Jo more anxious, but also needing more information.

“We have 3 dogs, 2 cats and 1 bird, not to mention years of mountain dirt ground into our carpet. I don’t even know how to clean a baseboard, let alone tackling our popcorn ceiling.” Jo looked about ready to cry. 

“Is it just the cleaning you’re really worried about?” I wondered. “Or is there more?” 

“Oh please,” said Jo. “Our house was built in the 1960’s. Talk about dated! Our extended family are the kind of suburban people with big manicured lawns, every kid has a room with a media center in it, and the kitchen looks like a TikTok video.” 

“Do you think they’d criticize your home? Your housekeeping? Your decorating?” I asked out loud. 

“Oh no, they’re too ‘nice’ for that. They’d wait until we weren’t in the room, and then compare notes among themselves. It’s so awful, I really don’t know how we’re related.” Jo looked sad and overwhelmed.

In 1991 Paul Hewitt and Gorden Flett identify three types of perfectionism: self-oriented (Teddy and his business plans), other-oriented (Sofia’s perspective on her daughter), and socially-prescribed (Jo’s belief about extended family). 

Teddy’s perfectionism resulted in procrastination and stuck-ness, as he continues to do and re-do all the steps to create his new art studio. Sofia’s perfectionism negatively impacted her relationship with her daughter, and impeded her ability to be present for her daughter’s teen years. Jo’s perfectionist fears concerning her family’s judgements result in high levels of anxiety which impact her sleep, mood, and quality of life. 

For Teddy, it was time for him to take the next uncomfortable step and rent a building for his art studio. For Sofia I offered some psycho-education on developmental norms for teens (Sofia’s teen was healthy and normal), and Sofia worked on repairing her relationship with her daughter.

Finally it was time for Jo to do some family-of-origin psychotherapy work, and ultimately recognize that the preoccupation with cleaning and home-improvement projects was an avoidance of her true feelings about her family. Although her family was tolerable in small doses, opening their home for a week to everyone was just too much. 

Striving for excellence in the new year can be a positive, but it’s important to notice when striving tips over into perfectionism.

“A Perfect Mountain Sunrise”, photo by Richard Brandon.  Mt. Thorodin in Gilpin County offers us a true moment of perfection.      

Originally published in the Jan. 9th, 2025 edition of The Mountain-Ear