12 Dec Excising the Holiday Shoulds
“I can’t believe what my niece cooks for the holidays; it’s ridiculous,” exclaimed Ashley.
“She already has a weight problem, as does the rest of her family! What am I saying? Of course they do. The house is full of cookies, candy, cakes, pies, and hot chocolate. It’s so terrible.”
Ashley didn’t even wait to sit down before she dove into her judgmental complaints about her adult niece, who was hosting the family holiday celebration this year.
“So what are you doing for the holidays?” I asked Bethany.
“The usual,” she replied. “Flying through the airport—a madhouse during this time of year—sleeping on my kid’s lumpy couch, going to all the grandchildren’s events, helping my daughter cook and clean and then coming home, usually to some kind of illness. Bob and I will spend the beginning of January recovering.”
“You do this every year?” I asked. “Oh absolutely. It’s what you do—go to family. That’s life,” Bethany explained.
“No matter what I do, I can’t get it right,” Jack said.
“My wife says I don’t spend enough money on her gifts. My sister-in-law says we spend too much on them, and it makes my brother feel bad. My father says we shouldn’t give gifts, but we should all do a family activity. My neighbor gets annoyed when we bring over food, but the UPS delivery guy tells me our cookies are his favorite gift all season.” Jack sat with his head in his hands.
“I’m sick of it,” Nate articulated. “My Mom wants me to decorate the house, cut down a tree, hang and fill stockings, the whole enchilada. All that stuff’s for kids, not for grownups. I see no point. I know I’m supposed to like all the holiday hoopla—I’m an elementary school teacher after all—but I just don’t. I want my time off to be full of peace and quiet.”
Ashley, Bethany, Jack and Nate are all facing the Holiday Shoulds.
Ashley’s niece believes she should bake holiday treats, while Ashley believes they shouldn’t.
Bethany thinks she should go to her daughter’s home, whether it’s good for her and her husband or not because “that’s what you do at the holidays.”
The recipients of Jack’s gifts have lots of opinions about what he should and should not do, and Nate’s mom believes the holidays should occur the way they’ve happened for decades.
Living amidst the Holiday Shoulds can result in feelings of guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, struggles with perfectionism and unrealistic expectations, negative self-talk, tension and conflict in relationships.
What to do? First, begin to sort through which issues are yours and which are someone else’s. Then it’s time to look at what might be changed, and how to communicate about it.
Ashley needed to come to terms with the reality that her niece can cook whatever she wants and it’s up to Ashley to eat it, or not.
Bethany decided it was time to let her daughter know that, although they were happy to visit during the holidays, they would be staying at a nearby Vrbo, not be attending every single activity, and making sure to get lots of rest and good nutrition so they (hopefully) got home illness-free.
Jack sat down for a serious conversation with his wife about the budget for their personal gifts, and called his brother to talk about what they wanted to do for each other’s families for the holidays (turns out his brother thought everything was fine).
With further conversation, it came to light that Nate’s mother was very ill this year and might not make it to another holiday season. Nate was hyper-focusing on the “holiday stuff,” instead of admitting to himself how ill his mother really was. So he enlisted some help and together, he and his neighbor created a beautiful time for his mother.
Where do you need to get rid of the Shoulds?
Photo by Richard Brandon- Over the years we’ve made family, friend and neighborhood treats, from Cranberry Jalapeño Vinegar in Amy’s Mom’s vintage bottles
Originally published in the Dec. 12, 2025 edition of the Mountain-Ear