11 Apr Self-Esteem and family relationships

“My family’s great. I’m really tight with my siblings,” Joseph shared. 

“That’s good to hear. Do you see them regularly?” I asked.

“I visit my sister Josie every year. She has a ton of kids and grandkids, so we have a blast catching up with all of them,” Joseph explained, smiling.

“Is it just the two of you?” I asked, sensing something else may be going on.

“No, we have a brother too. Jeremiah.” I always get a bit nervous when clients switch to short, minimal answers.

“Does he live near either you or Josie?” I asked.

“Look, Jeremiah has a lot going on. He just went through a nasty divorce, and he’s always kind of short on funds. Plus he’s thinking of quitting his job. Because of his wife, he never really got to have a career.” Joseph’s words came out in a rush.

“That sounds like a lot,” I commented. “Do you talk often? Are you a part of his support system?” I wondered.

“I text him at least once a week. My wife and I send holiday gifts and cards, and we call him too.” I was confused because Joseph’s words sounded healthy but he was avoiding eye contact, shifting in his chair, raising his voice, and sounding defensive. 

“What’s happening?” I asked. “You look and sound really uncomfortable when you talk about Jeremiah. What am I missing?”

“Jeremiah’s been angry at me for a decade now. He rarely answers my texts or calls, and never acknowledges gifts. But it’s ok. Like I said, he’s been going through a lot.” Joseph let out a long breath.

“When did he get divorced?” I gently asked. 

“Hmm…maybe 20 years ago?” Joseph answered.

“Wait, you’re saying he’s been divorced for 20 years? And he’s still struggling with the impact?” I was surprised. 

“Well yeah,” Joseph said defensively. “It was really bad.” 

“And what happened a decade ago between the two of you?” I asked, hesitating to know the answer.

“Oh you know. Brother stuff.” Joseph hung his head. I waited.

“He threw himself a big birthday party and I didn’t go. I had a weekend trip scheduled with my guy friends, and I did that instead. I’ve felt terrible about it ever since and I keep trying to make up for it.” Joseph looked ashamed and embarrassed. 

We talked through the whole situation. It turns out Joseph had tried to go above and beyond to apologize, but Jeremiah wouldn’t listen. Over the years Jeremiah starting using Joseph as his own verbal punching bag, sending mean and hurtful texts, emails and phone messages. Jeremiah began blaming his brother for problems with his marriage, children, and job. 

A few weeks later, Joseph was back in the office and we circled back to this conversation. “So, you’ve been consistently reaching out to your brother and his family for years—10 years—and he responds negatively and hurtfully.” I stated.

“Well sometimes he’s nice. He said thank you for a gift we sent his son a few years ago.” Joseph pointed out.

“Joseph,” I challenged him, “it sounds like Jeremiah hurts you regularly.” 

“It’s ok; I hurt him too. I was mean to him when he was little. I wasn’t always the best brother.” Joseph had tears in his eyes.

“So what you’re saying is you deserve to be treated this way?” I quietly asked. “You deserve to be punished for what you’ve done?” 

“It doesn’t matter. It’s ok. It’s not that bad.” Joseph returned to his short, minimal answers.

“Joseph,” I asked one more time. “Do you deserve to be hurt day after day, year after year by your brother?” 

“NO!” Joseph yelled. “No,” he quietly responded. “But what can I do? He’s my brother.”

Michelle A. Harris, PhD, The University of Texas at Austin and Ulrich Orth, PhD, University of Bern analyzed two decades of research on the effects of social relationships on self-esteem and found what many of us would guess: positive relationships boost self-esteem, and negative relationships harm self-esteem. They explain across gender, ethnicity and age, the impact of social relationship on self-esteem (and vice-versa) is constant. 

It took Joseph some time, but he began to see how listening to his brother’s consistent, negative feedback about him (which after much searching we determined wasn’t true) was decreasing his self-esteem, self-concept and self-confidence. Slowly Joseph began to shift his own behaviors: initiating communication less, and not responding to Jeremiah’s hurtful comments. Joseph’s wife noticed his anger decreasing at home, plus Joseph decided to go for a promotion at work that before had felt out of his reach. Joseph worked in counseling on processing his grief and loss, and eventually was able to put more time and effort into his relationship with his sister and her family. 

There are no perfect answers or solutions to family challenges. However we do know that negative relationships negatively impact our lives and, if we don’t take steps to make changes, the impact can be long-lasting.

“Neighboring Moose”, photograph taken last fall by Richard Brandon, of a family of moose in Gilpin County

Originally published in the April 11, 2024 edition of the Mountain-Ear