09 Oct Workable Solutions not Overused Advice

“They’re just mean,” Kira said. “They act like they want to be friends with me, but then when I find them at lunch they ignore and exclude me. It sucks,” she emphasized. “I know I’m not popular or anything, but they could at least be nice.”

“Why do you want to hang out with them?” I asked Kira, who was navigating the social world of high school.

“It’s not like there are a lot of choices. We’re all in the same advanced classes and theater, so I see them all the time.” Kira looked dejected. 

“No matter where you turn, life sounds really hard right now,” I empathized with her. 

“Yeah. I’m just ready to be done with high school,” Kira looked down at her lap as she anxiously picked at her cuticles. 

“My brother only calls me when he wants something. I hadn’t heard from him for months, and then he texts me asking me to text his kid because ‘he was having a hard day.’ Isn’t it his job to parent his kid? Why do I have to help?” Joe stared angrily out the sliding door at the changing leaves.

“Are you close with your niece/nephew?” I asked.

“No, of course not. My brother micro-manages every part of my nephew’s life. My nephew knows who I am, but that’s about it. I tried to send gifts over the years, call, text, whatever, but basically my brother would take over the conversation. I had to stop; it was too dysfunctional,” Joe explained. 

“Wow, that’s intense! Has it ever been healthy between you and your brother?” I wondered out loud. 

“When we were little, I used to help take care of him. There’s a big age gap and he was a premie, so the whole family came together when he was born. But then I was involved in my own life. As adults we tried to connect some, but everything was about my brother. Every conversation circles back to him. It was really awkward, and then just painful, so I stopped trying.” Joe looked sad.  

In life if can be easy to give black and white advice—Just walk away! Set boundaries! All teen girls are mean; just ignore them!—but longterm solutions can be a little more nuanced.  

As a teen, Kira had very limited options. She wasn’t going to change schools, confront the main clique in her high school, drop out of all her classes and extra-curricular activities, or plan on spending the rest of her high school career alone. So we began to talk through all of her classes and teachers to find a couple of safe, positive people she could spend time with. It turned out a few of the girls in the clique were fine in classes when there were less clique members, so Kira could connect with them about homework and group projects. A new teacher in the school opened her room for lunch, and Kira joined other students there for cards and conversation. During theater rehearsal Kira identified a couple of younger kids she could mentor, and her free time on the weekends was focused on family and cousin time. Although Kira wasn’t thrilled about any of these ideas, she was willing to try them in the interim, until she could graduate, head to a large university and find a healthy social group.

Joe had tried so many strategies by the time he came to see me. First he attempted to confront his brother, pointing out the dysfunctional communication patterns, but Joe’s brother simply denied everything, and then refused to speak about it again. Then Joe attempted a work-around, where he communicated with his sister-in-law and nephew to create a stronger, healthier relationship with his brother’s family. But that only resulted in his brother manipulating the sister-in-law and nephew’s communications with Joe. Presently Joe was responding when his brother asked him for something, but then found himself angry and frustrated. He noticed on days when he communicated with his brother that he was short with his coworkers and snappy with his family.

For Joe, it was time to accept, grieve and let go. Part of the grieving process is mourning what we imagined the future would be, and letting go of those hopes. If his brother changed it would be clear to Joe and the entire family, but in the interim, Joe needed to accept the dysfunctional behaviors his brother was consistently showing him. And finally, Joe shifted how he responded to his brother’s requests, choosing surface-level pleasantries instead of responses to the specific requests. His co-workers and family noticed a difference! 

Where do you find yourself receiving (or giving) simplistic advice? How might you be able to spend some time working out a more comprehensive approach?

“Comprehensive View of the Aspens”, photo by Richard Brandon.  Viewing the bright yellow, in the context of the pine trees, offers a more thorough perspective of our fall here in the Peak to Peak community. 

Originally published in the October 9, 2025 edition of the Mountain-Ear