11 Sep New Past, New Present

“I’m so angry with my family,” Walt said. “I never get any breaks. Life is always about working on the house, or working at my job to pay the bills, or helping out our neighbors. Seriously, I never get any FUN time.” 

Walt’s wife, Cynthia, sat in the chair next to him silently staring out the sliding door at the changing leaves. “Cynthia, I wonder what’s going through your head with Walt’s anger?” 

“Oh, I know he’s angry,” said Cynthia. “I know it, the kids and dogs know it, heck our neighbors even know it. He’s lost his temper so many times over the years I’ve lost track of all the people I’ve had to talk to about his behaviors. It’s embarrassing and honestly I’m sick of it. I need him to stop acting like a toddler and be the loving husband I know he can be.” 

Walt turned away from Cynthia and stared at the bookshelf behind my head. 

“Walt, what was your home like as a kid?” I gently asked him. 

“What do you mean? My home was fine. Typical Gen X upbringing. Spent lots of time with my friends, especially in my teenage years.”

“Did you have a lot of responsibilities at home? A chore chart, a specific time to do homework, did you help out in the kitchen with dinner, anything like that?” I wondered. 

“Sure, we had stuff we were supposed to do. But once my dad left, I mostly spent time away from home. My mom was always complaining about money and how much responsibility we were and how it was all my dad’s fault, so I just left.” 

Walt started making eye contact with me again, and shifted in his seat. 

“Walt doesn’t remember much about his parents before the divorce,” Cynthia quietly noted. “But with how much he yells, I’m guessing that it was a loud, scary home. And after his dad left, the kids were basically on their own,” Cynthia quietly commented.

“Sure, what’s wrong with that?” Walt countered. “We were fine. Kids these days are over-parented. So I got in trouble from time to time! I always got out of it.” 

“Walt,” I cautiously questioned, “when did you start having a life with responsibilities?” 

“I’ve always been responsible! I always had a roof over my head, and had a job,” Walt responded defensively. 

“Honey,” Cynthia calmly responded, “until we got married you moved around from job to job. And you lived like a bachelor, in a messy apartment with frozen burritos and protein bars. Your garage was full of sports equipment and on the weekends you were out with the guys biking, skiing or climbing.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with that!” Walt raised his voice and sat forward in his chair. “I had a great life!” 

“You’re absolutely right,” I replied. “It sounds like your single life fit perfectly for you. Why did you decide to change?”  (I exaggerated the “perfect fit” of his single life to see how he would respond.) 

“Oh, I’ve always wanted a family,” Walt explained. “And Cynthia was a perfect fit for me. We both love the mountains, are very active, feel strongly about giving back to our community and wanted kids. Besides, she’s my best friend. That’s way better than bachelor life.” 

Over 100 years ago Sigmund Freud (the founder of psychology) created the concept “repetition compulsion.” He observed that people acting out in the present may be in fact be repeating behaviors from a past experience they have forgotten or repressed. 

Nearly 20 years later Carl Jung (the second creator of psychology) interpreted these compulsions as messages from the unconscious attempting to help the psyche heal. He taught if we can gain awareness of what we’re doing in the present, we can go back into the past to identify the original wounding, even if we don’t remember it exactly. Then with support we can heal the past and end our unhealthy behaviors in the present.       

Walt and Cynthia turned towards each other, made eye contact, and reached out to hold hands. 

“I know,” said Walt. “I know the anger isn’t about you, or our life, or whatever. I can work more on my past for sure. But some days I just am so sick of ‘adulting’ as our kids say!” 

“Sometimes it can help to bring intention to our experiences, to help our brains really integrate the new patterns,” I explained. “So for example, when you two are out hiking and climbing, take a moment to remind your brain this is fun time. Look around, notice the environment, the activity, the length of time, the company, and positive feelings. The past has wired your neural pathways to interpret fun as entire weekends with the guys, so we need to help re-wire a little bit!”  

“Fun with New Neural Pathways”, photo by Richard Brandon. Hiking at the Maryland Mountain Quartz Valley Open Space Park, from the Hidden Treasure Trailhead, Black Hawk, CO

Originally published in the Dec. 9, 2021 edition of the Mountain-Ear