10 Apr Facing Betrayal

Missy and Suzanne had been best friends since their husbands met over 30 years ago. Marriages, children, sick parents, moves, renovations, churches—they’d been through it all together. 

“But now,” said Missy, “now I don’t know what to do.” 

Suzanne came to Missy and shared that she’d been hiding money from her husband, and would soon be leaving him. “Wait,” said Missy, “it gets worse.” Suzanne had been having an affair with a family friend for the past decade.

“I went to their anniversary parties and brought my famous stuffed mushrooms,” shared Missy. “I listened to Suzanne complain about her husband’s inability to clean the bathrooms, and cheered with her when he got promotions. And she was lying to me the whole time. To all of us.” 

Missy was dealing with long-term betrayal. In order for Suzanne to keep her affair a secret and squirrel money away, she told layers and layers of lies over the years.  Not just to Missy, but to most (if not all) of her family and friends. 

By the time she told Missy the truth, lying had become routine for her. 

“Missy,” I asked, “how do you know Suzanne is telling you the whole truth now?” 

This is one of the challenges of broken trust in a relationship. If you decide to stay in relationship with the person, how can you tell if they’re being honest going forward? 

“So there I was,” said Jed, “sitting on-line at the latest staff meeting, and I find out my co-worker, the guy I talk with the most, has gotten a promotion. And not just any promotion. He got the job I’ve been talking to him about!” Jed’s expression darkened and he slammed his fist on his knee. 

“But Jed,” I asked, “I thought you were interviewing for that job next week?” 

“Exactly! I was supposed to, but Sammy went to my boss last week and convinced her to hire him. You know that idea I had for our new product line? Sammy told her it was his idea, and sold her on the whole thing.” Jed sat quietly, looking deflated.

Sammy’s betrayal of Jed impacted him on a personal level. As a single dad Jed was planning on using the promotion to finally pay off some accumulated debt and plan a vacation with his kids.  

For Missy, we spent some time sorting through the challenging ethical situation Suzanne put her in. Part of what we explored was that Suzanne’s decision to share this information with Missy was, in itself, an unhealthy choice for the friendship. It put Missy in an uncomfortable situation of knowing information that will soon be hurting many people that she knows and loves.  

Jed, on the other hand, needed to sort through what made the most sense for the health of his job. He decided to schedule a meeting with his boss and directly confront the situation. As a result his boss offered a different promotion opportunity (away from Sammy), that fit Jed’s skill set. 

Betrayal can sometimes destroy trust to the point that it’s no longer repairable. 

Missy decided she would talk one more time with Suzanne to see if she could convince her to be honest with everyone involved, otherwise Missy was prepared to end the friendship.

She decided if it came to that she would share with her husband about being betrayed, but not tell the specifics.

Trust is foundational for all relationships, whether it’s acquaintances at work, family members, or lifelong friends. When trust is broken, it’s important to take some time to decide how to address it. Although it can be tempting to pretend like it’s not a big deal or explain it away (“she had a tough childhood,”), that will only lead to challenges in the future.

“The Fog of Betrayal”, photo by Richard Brandon.  A snowshoe adventure to The Tallman Ranch in Golden Gate Canyon State Park where Swedish immigrants homesteaded.

Originally published in the April 10 2025 edition of the Mountain-Ear