09 Feb Communication Adjustments
“I am SO sick of everyone asking me if I’m dating someone. Everyone’s cool, making sure to use lots of different pronouns, but really I just want them to ask about ME! Who cares if I have a ‘special someone?’ I have straight A’s, I’m placing in my skating competitions, and I’m finally earning my own money at my part-time job. I have LOTS of ideas about what I want to do once I graduate. Seriously, when did this world become so couple-focused?” Tina groaned and slouched back into her puffy brown chair, affectionally known as the “teen” chair in our office, since all the teens seem to gravitate towards it.
Suzanne, the next client, dives right in before I’m even seated. “If one more person asks when we’re going to start having kids, I just might lose it. I’ve heard it all: ‘Your clock is ticking;’ ‘You better not wait too long or it’ll be too late;’ ‘Your generation only cares about your careers and not about family;’ ‘Have you thought about adoption? There are so many kids in need;’ ‘You’re good with kids, why don’t you have any of your own?’ I’ve been going through fertility treatments for over a year now. I’ve gained 50 pounds, live with my emotions on a freaking rollercoaster ALL THE TIME, gone through endless ‘Am I? Am I not?’, and am permanently black and blue from the endless shots. I have my inner circle that knows what we’re going through and I talk daily with medical personal but jeez! If only other folks could just mind their own business!”
“I don’t know what to do,” Jacob quietly asserts. “I’ve moved in with Samantha, and it turns out no one in my life likes her. When we were casually dating, no one said anything. Then when it started getting serious, my friends and family kind of stopped coming around. Don’t get me wrong I’ve never been the life of the party but now, my life is pretty much her and not much else.” “Do you love her?” I wondered out loud. (Even counselor’s blurt things out from time to time.) “She’s company for me. During COVID I got tired of being by myself. Now, I always have someone,” he answered in a resigned tone.
February and Valentine’s Day can bring out the curious in people! However although Linda Brannon’s research shows 57% of teenagers 12 to 17 years old are regularly dating, not all teens want to chat about their love life. In fact, people of all ages are not necessarily interested in diving into the topic of dating! Tina and I worked together to develop her assertive communication skills, so she could begin to steer the conversation towards topics she was interested in, and her more direct responses if people don’t take the hint. On the other hand, Jacob could have really benefitted from his friends and family being honest with him about his new dating relationship. We took some time during sessions to explore if Samantha was a healthy choice for him. With some encouragement, he began to reach out to those closest to him to initiate some honest conversations. It turns out they had tried to share their concerns with him, but he hadn’t been listening.
Suzanne’s experience brings up the bigger question: What to do when you have something deeply personal and difficult impacting you, but you’re following your healthy instinct to not share all the painful details with everyone who comments on your life? First, Suzanne increased her support by adding a fertility group therapy session every week. Second, we worked on her “kid response mantra”—short, direct, with a refocus on a new topic— that she could have ready at any given moment. Finally, we widened her inner circle that was privy to the details of her life. In difficult times we all naturally include our closest family, best friends and those we know who’ve gone through a similar experience before, but it’s important to diversify. Suzanne added a friend from her exercise class, a woman with her in the choir, and a neighbor. That way wherever she was in her weekly routine, she had support.
This week let’s all take the time to adjust our communication a little bit! Whether it’s learning to attune to the people around us, or speak more concisely about what we need, it’ll be worth it in the end.
“Orange-Blossom-Honey Madeleines”, photograph taken by Richard Brandon. Made for friends and family Valentine’s Day 2021, to communicate love and caring during the pandemic.
Originally published in the February 9, 2024 edition of the Mountain-Ear