Home > Couples Counseling > Mary and Tom’s Couples Counseling
Mary and Tom, married for 40 years, came into the Peak to Peak office with one question: “Should we stay married or get divorced?”
Tom grew up on a Midwestern farm, rising early to milk the cows and feed the chickens. He was the oldest of five, and always helped his mother take care of his brothers and sisters. His dad drank a little too much, but for the most part was a hard worker and always took care of his family.
Tom saw his parents, married for 60 years, go through good times and bad. Sometimes when they were fighting more frequently than usual, Tom would wonder if maybe if would be better for his parents to just get divorced. But mostly Tom felt grateful for the example his parents set by staying married and figuring out how to move forward in their lives together.
Mary grew up on the west coast living in and out of big cities. She was the child of a single mom (her dad died in a car accident when she was young) and they often lived with relatives or friends. Mary loved the hustle and bustle of a full house, and she described her childhood as “finding love around every corner.”
Mary’s mom put herself through college and medical school and Mary has fond memories of sitting at the kitchen table with her mom as they each worked on their homework.
Although Mary wishes she knew her father better, she always spent holidays with his family, listening to stories and hearing how much she was like him (they both twitched their noses the same way when they got excited).
Tom and Mary met in their early twenties while Mary was attending a local college and Tom was fixing cars in an auto shop down the street. They had a fairly typical dating story, one that culminated in marriage and kids. Eventually Tom owned the auto repair shop and Mary started keeping the books and scheduling appointments.
The couple never had explosive fights, pretty much agreed on how to raise the kids and run the business, and they had always been able to work out any problems that came up.
Now the two of them sat in the Peak to Peak Counseling office, contemplating divorce.
Their lives seem so normal, with no apparent extreme situations or behaviors (e.g., violent traumas, affairs, serious illnesses, bankruptcy).
Tom says early on in therapy, “We’re not in love, and maybe we never have been.”
When asked what that means, the answers are somewhat vague. They talk about soulmates and a “certain feeling.”
Mary sums it up when she asks, “Do we stay together because of our history, or do we divorce after 40 years together and go find our true loves?”
This is a question that therapists often encounter, though in different forms, from all kinds of couples, younger, older, progressive, traditional, and everyone in between. Couples want a therapist to analyze their relationship and predict if they should stay together or not.
But having a therapist tell you to stay together or not just isn’t what happens when couples come in for counseling.
Often, when people are deeply questioning a relationship, key beliefs tend to bob to the surface, becoming apparent to both partners. These beliefs can be fairly accurate, or they can just cause unnecessary confusion. But it’s important to express and examine them. Some of the beliefs include:
A therapist might be able to argue for or against any of these beliefs. They might be able to explain the potential validity of some of them by citing research, history, or theology. But honestly, most people are just not all that interested in changing their beliefs. People often continue to believe what they have always believed.
Sometimes exploring personal beliefs about relationships gives couple the time and opportunity to modify expectations and behaviors. But almost always, whether a couple decides to stay together has to do with each person’s ability to see the relationship as congruent with their core beliefs. Some couples come together around a common belief, while others find commonality within divergent or even conflicting beliefs. If each person can find a way to understand the relationship as congruent with their own belief system, there is hope.
Tom and Mary were able to identify that they both believed in soulmates, but sadly, they both believed they were not each other’s. In this, identifying their core beliefs and how the relationship fit with those, they answered their own question. After finding clarity, they continued to work with their therapist to create an amicable divorce that allowed them, their children, and their extended family a healthy separation.
In this, identifying their core beliefs and how the relationship fits with those, they answered their own question. After finding clarity, they continued to work with their therapist to create an amicable divorce that allowed them, their children, and their extended family a healthy separation.
The case studies on this website are fictionalized accounts based on real situations and people Peak to Peak Counseling’s therapists have been honored to work with over the years.
